10 Things I Learned at The Battle of Old Wyoming

1.) There is very little cell phone service in Medicine Bow, Wyoming. If you plan on spending any significant amount of time there, bring your phone charger, because nothing kills a battery more efficiently than "Searching for Svc." all fucking night.

2.) The local children of Medicine Bow are every bit as backwater and disturbing as one might assume. We encountered round little girls with dirty faces and awkward little boys with filthy hand-me-down t-shirts staring at us like they'd never seen another human before. They hang out in front of The Virginian on their bikes like mosquitoes. I started calling them "Bowies." They were everywhere, just hanging out. One fat kid with unkempt, licey hair asked me if I was in a band. I said no, and he ran away, yelling behind him that he was going to go "do something cool." He later climbed a fire escape and tried to spit on me. I fear for their future.

3.) There are few humans on earth that are more badass than Tom French, Charlie Stewart, and Brandon Schulte. Unfortunately, the latter couldn't make the event, and though he was missed, his presence was felt full-throttle. As for Tom and Charlie, you couldn't encounter nicer, more down-to-earth guys. The first thing Tommy said to me: "We've got some beer on ice up in the Owen Wister Suite. Come drink with us." Later, he regailed me with sage wisdom on the finer points of "correctly" smoking a spliff. Tom French is a 40-year-old counter-culture hero for the Wyoming underground. If you don't know the men I am talking about, you're doing something wrong.

4.) Merry-Go-Rounds are sorely missed on America's playgrounds. While waiting for the kickball showdown that never happened, Andrea, Tim, and I discovered the Medicine Bow Elementary School playground, which is several decades behind the latest sensible and fashionable trends in schoolyard equipment. Walking onto the dirt playground is like stepping out of a time machine set for the third grade. I remembered how amazing Merry-Go-Rounds are, and simultaneously realized why they're not very common anymore.

5.) Jose Cuervo is not for everyone. It's not for my poor friend Will, who vomited after doing one shot with me. It's probably not for that girl Steph, who kept asking me for drinks, and who I realized later was underage. Tequila is indeed for some people, though, and one of those people is Radio's Trevor T. Trujillo. Another one is me.

6.) DYNAMITE FAAAAAAAAACE! Fifteen seconds never sounded so good. Or -- as I told a little Bowie that asked "What is this supposed to be?" -- "This is rock and roll."

7.) As I have previously stated, I believe that Tiger Gilliam may be the most purely talented singer-songwriter in the state of Wyoming. If there's anyone with potential for crossover success, it's her.

8.) The Antenacles, Jets to July, and Seeds 'n' Stems are great Casper-based big-name local bands, and and they're a lot of fun. But deserving of name-drops are the "openers," Super Czar, Carcosa, The Enormous Room, and Wake Megan. Maybe it's because I know the guys in those bands, maybe it's because two of them were repping Laramie, or maybe it's because they went on before I was too drunk to function, but they rocked my cock to a vicious degree.

9.) Room 8 of The Virginian Hotel is haunted. Actually, it's not really haunted, but Tommy French decided to start a rumor that it was. Even better than that is that because of the rumor, Room 8 was the last to be checked out. The best, though? Convincing Chase Harmelink to sit in Room 8, drunk, wearing a serial killer mask, for two hours, freaking out Tiger Gilliam's husband.

10.) Medicine Bow's claim to historical significance is a complete sham. MedBow is "famous" for The Virginian Hotel, which was featured in the opening scene of a novel called The Virginian by Owen Wister, whose cabin can be found in Medicine Bow... because it was fucking moved there from "somewhere near Jackson." So... the history of Medicine Bow is a fictional account of a fictional story based on a fictional premise. The Battle of Old Wyoming literally IS the greatest thing that has ever happened in Medicine Bow.